Telling Stories

My few attempts at reducing the amount of verbal "space" I take up have so far been pretty unsuccessful. I spent a long time thinking about this last night and have come up with several possible reasons, though as I think back over them I wonder if they are more excuses than reasons. To be completely, totally honest, I talk incessantly to gain attention, so that people will listen to me. I do crave the spotlight (like the only child I am) to the point that I use my words to fill up all the space I'm in so that I am seen and heard to the greatest extent possible.

What I don't know is how to stop myself, how to fill that need. It's not that I am in anyway deprived of attention, I just selfishly crave more than I should. Until I am able to stop taking up so much space, I won't allow the room necessary to truly listen to others.

On Ash Wednesday, I was thinking a lot about selfishness, my selfishness. A very spiritual and insightful woman in my human behavior class had ended that session talking about "walking in love" with others and being selfless. Coming into Lent, and thinking about the sacrifice of the cross and the amazing gift of grace, I came back to a thought that I have had a million times that never seems to stick, a thought about the true power of that sacrifice and that grace. That because God loves each and everyone one of us so much, despite all of our sins and shortcomings, God came down and suffered and sacrificed so we would not have to. The message of the cross and of the gift of grace is freedom - freedom to stop worrying about getting all you need for yourself because God has provided.

I don't think about this enough; I don't own this truth in my heart; I have not made it my reality. I ignore the love of God in my life and that is why it always seems something is missing. I don't spend the time I should on that relationship, so I always feel I am lacking somehow. I fill up all the space around me with myself and while this leaves little or no room for God, it also does not fill the holes.

So perhaps my Lenten focus should be the addition of God into the space in my life instead of the subtraction of myself. Though trying to take myself out will leave more room for God, it does not inherently invite God in. Inviting God in creates and fills the space at the first time. And because God is in each and every person I meet, filling the space with God also inherently leaves room for the people I am currently talking over and through. Perhaps instead of a vow of silence, I will take a vow of "God's noise" instead.