It's been over a month since I have enjoyed coming to work, since I have felt like I am doing anything of substance. In the past month I have read of lot of online news and chatted with friends, but I have done very little in the way of "work" while sitting in my cave. I did used to like my job. Now, I feel like I'm just wasting time.
In the rush to get papers done, presentations ready, and wade through pages of reading before each class, I've forgotten why I even started this endeavor. I'm so caught up in the poor administration of the field placement program and worry about my grades that I have lost sight of the call that led me to the MSW program.
Since going back to school and Ben taking on the campus ministry job, I feel like I barely ever see him. We do usually cross paths, sit for a few minutes, or at least sleep next to each other every day, but I don't fee like I *see* him. Like we've become roommates instead of spouses, each going a million miles an hour in different directions, in lives that are on different paths.
I'm exhausted all the time. I pray rarely. I'm crabby and difficult to be around. This week I started wanting a second dog and now I'm obsessed with the idea. I know that I feel like I am missing something, that there is some piece of my life or my soul or my being that is missing and if I don't fill it I will keep spiraling down this path. I recognize that what I am probably missing is a meaningful relationship with God and the way that influences my other relationships. It is also possible that I'm missing having a meaningful relationship with the important people in my life who I rarely see or talk to since we have all become too consumed by life to live it.
I know a dog won't fit that hole, exactly, and that I already have an amazing pooch. But there's something about dogs (most animals) that lightens my burden and opens my soul. And the thought of having a dog with fewer "social quirks" is certainly appealing. This idea has taken hold in my heart now and I'm not quite sure what to do about it...
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2 comments:
Hi Kriss,
Boy this all sounds awfully familiar. :-\ In my case, though, a lot of what can fill up my time and make me "too consumed by life to live it" is actually optional, unlike working for a graduate degree. So Tina recently pointed out some of these patterns in me, and I've been able to improve things a bit. Yet another reason why going back to school isn't very tempting to me right now.
Re: a second dog, a) Ellie is ridiculously cute, and b) please don't discuss this "second dog" obsession with Tina - who shares it. It's been a very long time since we've had only three furry kids, and quite honestly I'm liking that number.
(I'm just kidding - obviously you can talk to Tina - but I'm glad she doesn't read blogs!) ;-)
I get you, Kr!ss! It's weird... I've had that hole in my heart recently deeper than usual (for reasons that readers of my blog know) and I discovered something that for me might be equivalent to what the dog solution is for you... I started to return to my guitar... and if it doesn't sooth the demons inside! I'm really shocked at the zen-like state I walk around in now. I sing and play and feel like a new man!
Anyway, that's just what I think is my equivalent experience.
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