? can't quite get a hold of what that is. I wish I knew what I'm so anxious about so I could make it stop!!!

? Arggh! I feel like such a mess right now but I cannot figure out why. There is something about this new client that is apparently freaking me out, but I

Emotional Storm

So my now former client just came and picked up his stuff. And he was himself. Or at least, he presented the way I had become accustomed to seeing him. And when he left, I could not keep from crying. My heart just wants to take him back into the program and try to keep moving forward with him. But then, he hasn't even asked for that.

It just breaks my heart.

Debrief?

I've been burying myself in TV for over three days now; buried under blankets, snuggled with my dog, battling a cold and who knows what else. Tomorrow I need to go back to work and deal with the next phases of a drama that began unfolding a week ago; a drama I've been doing everything possible to keep out of my mind because of the pit it creates in my already-upset-stomach.

I'm not sure what I'm so upset about. The drama is not my fault; it is not the direct result of choices or actions on my part. And yet, it has me feeling like a professional failure. I've decided to put out my emotional diarrhea on this issue here so that I can hopefully move beyond it tomorrow when I go back to work.

I've been at this job for just about 4 months now. My 90 day review was positive. Overall I have felt positive and productive with the work. In the past month and half, my first two clients both chose to leave our program, each in their own destructive way. The first was disappointing, but not overly surprising. The second was much more disappointing, but only a little less surprising.

I can't say for sure that I specifically failed. But my physical stress makes it clear I am not at ease over this. I'm sure I've crossed some personal, emotional boundaries in my attachment to my clients. I'm stumbling all over the line between nurturing support and strict accountability. I think I've leaned to far to the nurturing side; but I truly believe that in order to help these men build new lives I must show them trust and respect first. But in working with a population that survives on manipulation, how do I uphold that belief without setting myself up? That, I just don't know how to answer.

Bottom line - tomorrow I need to be able to go in, deal with the situation at hand, then begin brainstorming how to adjust the program to improve our chance of success in the future. I somehow need to disengage my personal feelings for the clients and my own professional skills so I can be thoughtful and productive.

And of course, I've got at least three different illness issues going on now. Ok, whining done. Here's hoping for a good night's sleep and a miraculous return to health in the morning.

Apologies

The past few months have been a blur. A good blur. An exciting blur. A sometimes overwhelming blur. But I love it. My new job is great. My boss, coworkers are great. My clients are challenging but interesting. I'm learning a lot and I do feel like I'm making a small difference. Everything I wanted.

But I've been so overwhelmed by work and am still so protective of my health (even though I'm feeling really good) that I've basically been ignoring my friends, my communities. And that is not cool.

So here's my promise for the summer: to find the balance between work and play, to remember that my friends and family are just as important as my clients, and to continue to improve my health by feeding my heart and soul through my engagement with my friends.

To everyone I've ignored, not gotten back to, etc., I am very, very sorry. I love you all and I can't imagine my life without you. I'm sending hugs and promising phone calls!

Lenten Practice Reflections

I really, really suck at blogging. Clearly. That, and the last few weeks have been super busy. I interviewed for two jobs and then was hired by OAR of Fairfax to work with their residential Beacon program. I'm now in the midst of my 3rd week of work. Whew!

I feel like in the second half of Lent I had strayed from my original intention. But then I have also reminded myself that from the beginning I said that looking for a job that serves those in need would "count". And it's not like I haven't done anything during this time. I have begun my prisoner pen-pal program. I have tried to follow up with Bethany House, but apparently my background check is taking a while to come in and therefore they can't extend a volunteer opportunity to me until it does. I submitted a second application/interest in a program that provides video mentoring for children in South Africa.

I thought when I started this that during the 40 days my "vision" would be expanded to see all of the need right around me. I suppose that this both is and is not true. I do feel I was more "tuned-in" to the needs of my neighbors, family, and friends. And those are valid needs. But what I didn't see, what I struggled to access, were the "least of these" - the homeless, the hungry, the naked, etc. And I tried. But it was difficult to determine which volunteer groups to apply to, how many to apply to, and so on. Especially now that I am working again, I cannot commit myself to 10 different volunteer organizations. But then, even of the ones I tried to commit myself to, only one has really happened. One has struggled to get the background check sorted out, and now I don't think I will have the time to provide the support I initially thought I could. Others just haven't replied or followed up with me.

It is both discouraging and odd to have found such difficulty in trying to provide service to those in need. We live in a very broken and hurting world, but the most accessible way for me to give to people truly in need is to pull out my credit card and make an online donation. I do understand that agencies need to conduct background checks and have volunteer screening processes to protect the safety of their staff and clients, but I cannot believe how much of a hurdle that has been. And I know I can pass a background check - I had to for my new job!

I think the real conclusion I have drawn is that part of the issue is how "sanitized" the area in which I live is. If I worked in DC, I'm sure I would have had more opportunities to buy lunch for homeless individuals, or give them grocery store gift cards. If I lived in a poorer area I'm sure I would have had more opportunities to cook meals for struggling neighbors or mentor young kids. But, I live in Fairfax, VA. Truly sanitized for your protection. I have to work harder to find individuals in need because we have worked so hard to separate ourselves from them. By choosing to live where I do, I am complicit in this segregation of society between the "have it togethers" and the "don't have it togethers."

So, now what. Lent is over. I have joyfully celebrated the amazingness of the Resurrection, of the power of God's love and forgiveness. My heart and soul are renewed and restored to continue to share the story and the grace. I found a great job working with individuals who are in need, who are cast of society. Does this mean I accomplished my goal? Maybe. Yes, if it means that I continue to look for those in need wherever I am. Yes, if I continue to hunt down ways to provide service whenever and wherever possible. No, if I let my job be my service and then settle down each night in my comfortable, sanitized neighborhood and pat myself on the back for my "charitable work". No, if I continue to live my life in the "safe" and "clean" areas without recognizing that I'm making a choice to separate myself from God's children.

So yeah, maybe I learned a lot this Lent about suffering and my role in creating and relieving it. Maybe I had my eyes opened to places of need. Thankfully, God's grace is big enough for my maybe's, and even my no's. And I need God's grace, all day everyday. And perhaps in the grand scheme, that's the true lesson of Lent - that we need this amazing ridiculous, inconceivable love and grace so much, and we are so, so, so blessed that God gives it, everyday, to everyone.

March 8, 2010

So today I finally got around to sending a letter to our World Vision child. We have been sponsoring him for a couple years now, and somehow I have just never gotten around to writing a letter. I think this really highlights how little effort it takes for me to adjust my priorities. I hope that I will actually be able to build a relationship with him now. But yeah, I still feel really lame that I haven't written him before. Boo me.

Mar 1-6, 2010

So I've been doing a really bad job of keeping up with the blogging portion of my Lenten practice. Luckily, I've been doing a much better job of keeping up with the actual practice. Part of why I didn't blog last week was because I was working on finishing a project I started on Monday. But I think there is a deeper reason why I keep forgetting the blog. When I first started this practice, each day's "giving" was a very specifically planned event. It was kind of a big deal. But as the days have gone on, it feels like the practice is becoming habit. Instead of focusing specifically each day on what I am going to do, I have a list in my head of things I can do and easily make time for one each day. I'm also finding some opportunities that organically come up as I go through my day.

So here's a quick summary of what I did last week:

Mar 1
Eco-crafting (sweater bags) - While I am focusing primarily on connecting with people, I do think it's important to look for ways to help the environment as well. So today I started working on turning an old sweater into a purse. 

Mar 2
I sent flowers to my Grandma H, who is in rehab right now recovering from breaking her leg. She has been there for about 5 weeks now. I know she received a lot of cards and flowers. But after being there for a while and since she is making such amazing progress, I wanted to send her a little bundle of sunshine. She should receive them next Monday.

Mar 3
Today I finally packed up the clothes, shoes, etc. I have been collecting to give away and dropped them off for Goodwill.

Mar 4
Tonight I helped teach a child development class for clients at Bethany House. I got to hang out with some of the kids and then worked with their mothers. I really enjoyed being able to share my knowledge about child development and ways to support and encourage growth. And best of all, they really enjoyed the class!

Mar 5
Today I filled out the agreement information for the Barnabas Pen Pal program and agreed to take two pen pals. I am really excited to actually get started on this!

Mar 6
Today I was out shopping with a friend and stumbled upon a silly little trinket that made me think of a really good friend I don't see or talk to enough. So I picked it up and will send it to her with a little note. :)

So we'll see if next week I can try to get back to daily blogging. :)

Feb 27, 2010

I seem to be slowing down a bit. I'm not sure if that's because my time is filling up with more events, because I'm focusing more energy on finding a job, or some other reason. However, I am following through on my promise to find a way each day to connect with those in need.

Today I donated to my friend Allie's effort to raise money for the Central Ohio Diabetes Association through their annual Swim/Walk for Diabetes. Her father has had very serious struggles with diabetes over the past several years, and this has been one way that she is supporting him. I have tried to support her efforts each year. Allie has been one of my dearest friends since high school, and her father has also been an important person in my life. In fact, he was one of the first people to see my first tattoo!

Donating money is a way of reaching those in need that often seems as detrimental as it does helpful, at least to me. Obviously, money is needed to fund research, purchase needed goods, etc. Many nonprofit organizations can get a lot more with an amount of money that I could get in goods for the same amount because they can buy in bulk or they have agreements with certain vendors. So yes, donating money is a good way to help people in need.

But, I think it is important that writing a check or hitting "submit" on a webpage can't be the only way we connect with God's children in need. I think the personal, relational aspect of service is just as important as funding. Especially as affluent Americans, I think we need to be reminded of the great need so many are experiencing. True, the news stations demonstrate this with the sorrow of situations like the recent earthquakes in Haiti, Japan, and now Chile. But there are adults and children and families who are also in need right outside our doors. Fairfax County VA may be super-rich area, but there are homeless here too. So yeah, giving money is great and useful, but I really feel that we need to personally connect with "the least of these" as well.

Catch Up: Feb 24-26, 2010

Luckily I have done a better job of keeping up with my Lenten practice than I have with blogging about it. So, in an attempt to catch up I am going to go through the days have missed in this one post.

Feb 24, 2010
Today I wrote a letter/card to Ben's Grandma Buss. Ben's grandfather has been going through a very rough time health-wise since Christmas. He has been in and out of the hospital and nursing homes, in intense pain, and he has recently had a heart attack. So obviously, he needs our support and help. But as the wife of someone who has had rough health times and hospitalizations, I know that she needs love and support too. So I bought a "thinking of you" card and wrote her a long note inside.

I really enjoyed taking the time to thoughtfully write a note, to think about her and pray for her as I was working on it. It also reminded me that while there are so many in need that are far away from me, in other countries, other places, there are also people in need in my own family, even those I see everyday. I am going to try to remember this throughout Lent and continue to take a day here and there to reach out those close to me who are in need.

Feb 25, 2010
So today my plan was to buy a few burgers and take them to the homeless men selling "Street Sense" at the Vienna metro on my way to the Common Table midweek gathering. I have done this before, in Columbus - I would occasionally buy a burger or a sub for the homeless men on High Street. So I really didn't understand why all day I was feeling anxious anytime I thought about doing this. I've tried to break down this anxiety, but it remains somewhat ambiguous. There were little things - what if they aren't there? What if there are more people there than I brought food for? But there was also something else, down deeper, that remains a mystery; maybe something related to unearthed prejudices about the homeless, or maybe something related to silly nerves about how I'd be perceived. Who knows. Silly, crazy, unknown anxiety.

But, I pushed on. I bought 4 burgers at Wendy's. I walked around the Metro looking for them where I had seen them with the paper the week before. No luck. So, I walked over to one of the Metro employees, explained what I was trying to do, and offered the burgers to him. He said that they usually come through about an hour later, and that he would pass them along.

So it all worked out. But I still wonder if I had actually met the men myself if I would have gotten more clarity on my anxiety. So maybe I'll try that one again.

Feb 26, 2010
Today I met with the helpline coordinator for Bethany House to see if I would be a good fit. We talked for a long time about the helpline and other things. It was a great conversation, and I would be excited to work with her and the other volunteer I met. Not much more to say. I really hope I'm able to start working there soon.

Feb 23, 2010

Today I met with the volunteer coordinator at Bethany House to talk specifically about what volunteering opportunities I might participate in. It was a fairly quick meeting and we came to a consensus on supporting the helpline and possibly assisting with teaching child development for the life skills program.

Though brief, it was an interesting conversation. Going in, I certainly had my own thoughts about what I wanted to do, but I also felt that it wasn't as much for me to decide as it was for the agency to fill their need. It sparked some interesting thoughts for me, both as we were talking and after I left. My goal in volunteering is to serve a need for a particular agency or group of people in need. However, there is also the reality that if volunteers are not invested in and engaged by the jobs they are doing, they will not stay for long. Luckily for me and the volunteer coordinator, I want to work on the helpline and they need someone to work on the helpline.

The coordinator told me that for the helpline they ask for a long term commitment, because of the extra training required. And the length of the commitment - 6 months. I was a little taken aback by the shortness of the "long term" commitment. It is sad to think that they can't expect most of their volunteers to stick around that long, so much so that they need ask for a "special" commitment.

I wonder why when we volunteer for something it is difficult to stick with for the long haul. I know that in the past I have struggled with this, and back to point one I think it was because I was not completely invested in what I was doing. Anyway, it is sad that volunteerism can lack staying power.

I wonder why this happens. Thoughts? Experiences?

Feb 22, 2010

So my plan for today was to find a prisoner penpal program to join. Prison outreach and reform of the criminal justice system are very important to me. Since I acknowledge that I cannot necessarily fill up every moment of my day with physical volunteering, I thought that this would be a good way to connect with an prisoner in need and provide at least a little support.

There are literally thousands of prison ministries online. If you search "prisoner penpal", you end up with a lot of hits about something other than letter writing for moral support. Searching through the lists and websites, I found myself feeling hesitant about not knowing anything about them, and quite honestly not being sure if I could trust them. How horrible is that? Looking for ministries of faith and not having the faith to trust that they are actually doing what they say they are. It's a weird world (or maybe just my weird mind).

But I did find two options that look viable: Good News Jail & Prison Ministry and a Salvation Army Ministry. I've sent out emails and we'll see what comes back.

Tonight, I'm praying for all those in jails and prisons and detention centers around the world.

Who cares for the suffering ones?

So I've decided that I am going to take Sunday's "off" so to speak. Technically they are not part of Lent. I've decided that it is good to take a Sabbath and spend some time focusing on my relationship with God. So that's the plan. I may or may not blog on Sundays, depending on where the Spirit leads me.

Church yesterday really built upon what I was thinking about the Haiti kits. The youth at our church had spent the weekend doing a 30-hour famine to learn more about hunger around the world. This morning, they led a beautiful worship service. I was impressed that 39 youth spent their weekend doing this.

During the sermon portion, they shared stories of a few children being served by World Vision. They also shared that every 3 seconds a child dies of hunger related causes (illness, etc.) and every 7 seconds a child dies from hunger. Then they sang a song and put up a mosaic of pictures of children and every 3 seconds a picture disappeared from the mosaic until the screen was black. I was completely overwhelmed and started sobbing.

There's this reality outside of my "safe borders" in which people are suffering and dieing, constantly. Staring at that truth makes me feel so helpless; it's paralyzing. I've hit this wall before: overwhelmed by the injustice in the world and no clear way fix it.

But as I was falling asleep last night, quiet, depressed and distant, I was thinking over Psalm 91.

¹ He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

² I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

³ Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

¹⁰ then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

¹³ You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

¹⁵ He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

¹⁶ With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

These words are the foundation of one of my favorite hymns: "Eagle's Wings". It has been the lectionary readings for the past several days, during which time I have been reading over once or twice a day. As I have been reading and meditating on it, I have found it very comforting. With the changes in my health and my attempts to find a job, these words have helped me find peace knowing that God is with me, or "on my siiide" as Rob Bell would say. But last night, the Spirit again brought me out of my selfish, self-centered existence. These words were transformed from providing comfort for me into a prayer for all those truly in need.

Through this prayer, the Spirit also calmed my paralyzing depression at our world's, our humanity's state of affairs. I am not God. I cannot save everyone, everywhere. Honestly, I can't *save* anyone. All I can do try and give the love and grace that God has given me to those I meet. I can provide service, support where God calls me to. I can share the Gospel and invite others to provide service as well. And, I can keep praying Psalm 91 for all those suffering around the world.

Feb 20, 2010

...writing a day late...

So yesterday I shopped for materials to put together kits Lutheran World Relief is collecting for Haiti:

Include the following items in each Health Kit (in a large zip-lock bag):

• One hand towel, dark color recommended
• One washcloth, dark color recommended
• One bath-size bar (4 to 5 oz.) of soap, any brand, in its original wrapping
• One adult-size toothbrush in its original packaging
• One sturdy comb, remove packaging
• One metal nail file or nail clippers with file attached, remove packaging (do not substitute cardboard emery boards for the file)
• Six Band-Aids® (or similar brand), preferably 1/2" to 3/4"; secure together with a rubber band

As I was shopping for these items, I was really overwhelmed by the simplicity of these items, and our over-abundance of them. How many of us have agonized over the right color and feel of hand towels? I couldn't even find bars of soap sold individually, with the exception of super-expensive, specialized brands. There seem to be 700 different kinds of toothbrushes - not including the electric ones. And six band aids? Six? They come in boxes of 20, 40, etc...It seems ridiculous to me to say "Oh, I'm so sorry you had this horrible, devastating earthquake. Here's six band aids to make it all better."

But then I read a little more about the kits on LWR's website:

People who must flee their homes quickly often do not have time to pack essential items. Health kits can help refugees maintain personal hygiene while living in exile. Items may also contribute to a new start for those who can return home.

After thinking this over, I realized that perhaps my concern over how little these kits provide is reflection of my inflated sense of need. Why do I need to have a spare toothbrush (or two) sitting in my drawer? Why do I need to have both an electric toothbrush and a "regular" toothbrush as well?

The greater question for me now is, how can I, am middle class American ever understand the kind of need the Haitian's are experiencing right now? Am I committing injustice by sitting on my couch under a blanket snacking on cookies while watching TV?

Feb 19, 2010 revisited, Courage

As I was falling asleep last night, I thought a lot more about the individuals I met last night. The word that kept coming to my mind was "courage". The honesty with which they acknowledged their mistakes to us, complete strangers.

Another word that came to mind was "exhausting". It was Friday evening, and you could tell that it had been a hard week. But instead of crashing out on a couch, ignoring the world, and letting the week just drain away. But instead, they were pulling out blankets to sleep in taped off rectangles on the floor, eating whatever food had been cook to be served to them, and making conversation with complete strangers. As volunteers, we'd like to think that our conversation was stimulating and supportive, but honestly it was probably exhausting. I want to believe that the deaf woman I signed and talked with enjoyed our conversation, she at least indicated she did, but I would imagine it still took some effort. And again, it must take a lot of courage to sit and talk with the volunteers instead of shutting out the world in a blanket on the floor.

I've come away from last night feeling grateful that the men and women I met shared their time with me. And here's the cliche I was trying to avoid last night: This service event feels like i got more than I gave; that it wasn't work at all; and that I wish I could have done more.

Feb 19, 2010

Tonight I went with Ben and a few students from GMU LCM to help Bethlehem Lutheran Church and FACETS with their Hypothermia Shelter. We helped serve dinner to approximately 30 individuals and then spent time socializing with them.

I'm not really sure what to say about the experience. Everything that comes to mind seems trite or cliched. One interesting thing that happened was that I met a deaf woman and was able to sign with her (sort of - luckily she read lips well). I enjoyed sitting with her and talking and being able to converse in sign again. It was really nice to make that connection.

I have a lot of thoughts about a lot of issues related to tonight. But I'm really not sure how to articulate them. Maybe I'll follow up tomorrow.

Say a prayer for those who don't have a warm place to sleep tonight.

Another Perspective

Here are some amazing words that articulate my feelings about Lent this year.

http://blog.sojo.net/2010/02/17/lent-isnt-about-denial-its-about-transformation/

Feb 18, 2010

So today I attended a volunteer orientation for a agency that works with women and children in the Northern Virginia area who are victims of domestic violence. It was an interesting orientation. First, the agency is set up to support women and children "for the long haul". Their "emergency shelters" are set up to house women and their children for 4-6 months, and then they also operate 2 transitional housing programs. They are dedicated to not sending anyone away unless they have a viable place to go. They also provide periodic "after care" checkups. I appreciated hearing about this model, which to me seems to attempt to ensure a greater degree of success at setting women up to break the cycle of violence.

Aside from learning about the agency, we orientatees also participated in an illuminating exercise. Each of us was given a color-coded card with information about a particular woman. We then went through a number of stations describing that woman's experience with domestic abuse. At many of the stations, the "story" allowed us to choose where we would go next - seek help from family or go to the police? Go back home or try and get a job? As I went through this exercise, I found myself almost feeling exhausted by the constant running here and there and wondering when it would end. But then I stopped myself and thought about the fact that what I was experiencing in fantasy over the course of a few minutes, real women are experiencing in reality over the course of months and years. It was one of those "slap me in the face with my own idiocy" moments. Of all the classes and workshops I have attended that have talked about domestic violence, I think that hour I spent going through this exercise as two different women taught me more about the cycle and the struggles.

So next Tuesday I am scheduled to sit down with the volunteer coordinator and talk about what exactly I might be able to do to help out the agency and their clients. On one hand, I'm proud of myself that I've been able to "line something up" so quickly upon embarking on this journey, but then at the same time it shows me just how within reach it's always been. Yes, there is a big difference right now from 2 months ago in how I feel and how that allows me to feel more free to pursue this. And yes, the fact that I'm not working means that I have more free time. But really, all it really took was looking up some information on the web, sending an email, and attending a 1.5 hour orientation. So really, all it really took was doing it.

But then, I'm not sure if I should be thankful that there are these agencies so close at hand or sad that there is a need for them to be so close at hand. Tonight I'm going to sleep saying a prayer for God to protect and comfort all those in abusive relationships.

Should we not shout, "Allelulia!"?

Shrouded crosses
No shouts of Alleluia

We make Lent a somber season
Mourning before He's dead

If our aim is to draw closer to God,
As we prepare to celebrate the amazing events of Easter,
Then why are we so sad?

And if we are to examine our sins
And repent
Then why are we so dreary?

In true repentance there is
Joy
Grace
Forgiveness
and New Life!!

And at such a time,
Should we not shout -
"ALLELUIA!"?

Feb 17, 2010

Today I started my Lenten practice by doing one of the suggestions from the "Lent Experiment" on Facebook, taking a cup of tea to someone. So I made a cup of my favorite tea (Green Honey Chamomile) and took it next door to my neighbor. Her house has been having a hard time with all of the snow and ice, so I thought she could use a relaxing cup of tea.

The best part happened after I brought the tea over. She invited me in and we sat and talked while she drank it. I played with her kids, braided her daughter's hair, and just generally enjoyed time with the family. It was a nice break for both of us.

I also contacted The Lamb Center to inquire about volunteer opportunities. Hopefully I will hear back from them soon about ways I can support their work.