I'm not sure what I'm so upset about. The drama is not my fault; it is not the direct result of choices or actions on my part. And yet, it has me feeling like a professional failure. I've decided to put out my emotional diarrhea on this issue here so that I can hopefully move beyond it tomorrow when I go back to work.
I've been at this job for just about 4 months now. My 90 day review was positive. Overall I have felt positive and productive with the work. In the past month and half, my first two clients both chose to leave our program, each in their own destructive way. The first was disappointing, but not overly surprising. The second was much more disappointing, but only a little less surprising.
I can't say for sure that I specifically failed. But my physical stress makes it clear I am not at ease over this. I'm sure I've crossed some personal, emotional boundaries in my attachment to my clients. I'm stumbling all over the line between nurturing support and strict accountability. I think I've leaned to far to the nurturing side; but I truly believe that in order to help these men build new lives I must show them trust and respect first. But in working with a population that survives on manipulation, how do I uphold that belief without setting myself up? That, I just don't know how to answer.
Bottom line - tomorrow I need to be able to go in, deal with the situation at hand, then begin brainstorming how to adjust the program to improve our chance of success in the future. I somehow need to disengage my personal feelings for the clients and my own professional skills so I can be thoughtful and productive.
And of course, I've got at least three different illness issues going on now. Ok, whining done. Here's hoping for a good night's sleep and a miraculous return to health in the morning.
1 comment:
:-( Praying for you, my friend. Much love.
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