Forgiveness

I have been pondering my experience at church yesterday and the call I felt strongly to prison work specifically and forgiveness generally. It's the forgiveness piece that is really tripping me. Forgiveness has always been very hard for me to actually accomplish. I have a very good memory and a horrible ability to hang on to hurt and anger for a very long time. I do not forgive easily. I hold grudges for ridiculous amounts of time. I found it very interesting that I would see a calling for myself that was steeped in my weakness. As I considered this further throughout the day, I wondered as I have before about why it is so much easier for me to have a graceful heart towards a stranger who has done things humanity considers to be horrible than to share that same grace with a close friend who has done something relatively small..

This morning as I was walking the dog I was continuing to ponder and pray over this continued revelation, when suddenly I was struck as though punched in the gut with the realization that there is someone in my life who I need to forgive. I have not thought about this person in a long time, and in many ways I have felt that I was over the pain that she had caused me when our long, close friendship crumbled three years ago (my goodness, has it really been three years???). I was shocked by the power of this message and the fear it brought me, so I pushed it aside in my mind. A few hours later as I was settling into work, the thought of forgiving her came to me again, and as I explored that feeling further I nearly burst into tears (and apparently I am reaching that same tearful place as I write this).

I am completely overwhelmed by the thought of truly letting go of all the pain that she has caused me and actually, completely forgiving her. Even more powerful is the urge to ask for her forgiveness in return, to admit my own part in the destruction of our 8 year friendship. Letting go of this anger also means coming to peace with all of the pain in my life over the past several years that I have attributed to the events surrounding that fall out - it has changed my life in more ways than I think I can admit. But I must take ownership of that as well, because I let that anger rule me and I let the hurt control me.

So what does forgiveness mean in this situation? Do I simply forgive her and let it go, for myself by myself? Should I send her a letter, apologizing for my part and wishing her well? How can I find the grace to give her and how can I give it? I'm don't think I want to heal the relationship such that we are friends again (if that would even be possible) but is that hesitance a lack of forgiveness? I really feel like I have reached the place where I can and must let go of this hurt and respond with grace and love, but I'm really afraid of doing so.