Self-reflection?

The past couple days I've been feeling really great and really awful. And each of these on so many levels. I'm tired and overworked and frustrated. I'm feeling affirmed and appreciated and valued at work. I sometimes feel like I am still isolated out here and other times I feel like I've got great friends. But all in all, the past couple weeks have been a roller coaster and I am exhausted.

I wrote on Sunday about how I was struck that the discussion at CT did not go as "inward" as I would have expected. But I have also been realizing lately that perhaps I have not been digging deeply enough into my own soul. Over the last week, I have been very struck by how egotistical and self-absorbed I am these days. The current situation at work seems only to feed it. I find myself feeling more and more prideful about my abilities and contributions, which often leads me down the path of superiority. How do I keep doing a good job at work (because I feel that's important) without getting such a big head about it?

I've also noticed lately that I have apparently forgotten how to listen. I have adapted the technique of showing people I understand what they feel by talking about me. That doesn't really work so well. I share when I should be asking, and I jump in when I should wait.

Interestingly, this past Sunday has also showed me what I am not willing to talk about yet - some of my more "controversial" beliefs and current musings about God and religion. Why couldn't I raise the question about Eucharist while sitting there that day? Well, because I was afraid of being shot down. Not shot down because people wouldn't listen or anything like that. No, shot down as in challenged to have a real debate about that issue. I'm afraid of that debate. I've had conversation about Baptism a few times, but many of those have either been with people who did not really debate with me or in situations where I did not allow much room for debate.

So while I definitely see that I need to continue my own introspection along these lines and continue to examine my heart and prayer for the strength to be humble, I have come to another realization. I need community. I need people to call me out and challenge me with love and share different points of view to make me think even harder about what I'm feeling and believing. And to do that, to be part of a community, I do really need to learn how to listen better. I need to stop worrying about myself so much and how I am perceived. I need to literally put others first and not just abstractly. And I need to do that for community and I need community to help me do that.