Acceptance

I've been really down lately. Not that long ago I wrote this great, uplifting (at least to me) post about joy. Being in that moment lasted about a day and a half. I've been feeling very stressed lately and have not been able to hold on to that feeling. Tonight as I was walking Midnight I was really praying and soul searching to find a peace in the midst of this crazy.

What came to me was (is) acceptance. I accept very little in my life. I challenge everything, listen badly and change slowly. I set high expectations for myself, others and the world around me and then am get frustrated when things fall short. All this means is that I find the joy infrequently and am rarely truly, gracefully happy.

Acceptance is a mystery. In some ways, grace can be equated with acceptance. For God so loved the whole world that God gave God's only Son..... --> God accepted the world, people, all the imperfections and in a dramatic and mystifying act was able to set it all right. So I am given grace because of God's love and acceptance. When I accept that grace I am freed to share that grace (acceptance) with others. So why can't I?

A few of my coworkers took a seminar on "Communicating in Teams" a few weeks ago. In this workshop, they took one of the standard "personality" tests that helps you determine how you interact with the world. They describe their respective personalities as the ways in which they act and react in order to gain control over their worlds. I haven't taken the test, but I can assume that I probably fall into the category of people who exert power in order to gain control. But this doesn't really work out so well...

I have also been struggling lately with the ambiguous question of "who am I?" My current search is to determine my personality. I seem to want to act in one way, but actually act in the opposite way. Much of this seems to be the result of trying to change my behavior to correct things I am unhappy with (such as my current struggles with really listening). But as I walked and prayed tonight, it was clear that I do not accept myself. This is not the first time I have struggled with this reality, and odds are it won't be the last. But am I really someone who vacillates between hyperactivity, agitation and anger? These have certainly been my predominant emotions for the past several years.

The truth is I am a bitter idealist, an angry daydreamer and a self-absorbed humanitarian. I am a complete contradiction. But then, most of the world probably is. But, if I could just accept myself that way, allow God's love and grace to wash over me, then perhaps I could really share that gift with others. And if I could really share it, then perhaps I would not feel so angry/agitated etc...

It's also interesting how this kind of acceptance could relate to my previous post today. If I accept myself as I am, good and bad, and I really learn to accept (and love) others just as they are, how would that affect my egotism. It seems that it might dissipate a great deal of it. If I am who I am, as God made and loves me, I am accepting good and bad, which theoretically could allow me to have a more balanced look at myself. The need for egotistical self-judgments might become irrelevant. And indeed, in accepting the world around me and all those I encounter for who they are, as they are and leave my expectations behind, there would be no comparison.

So now the question becomes, how do I accept this acceptance? Come Holy Spirit...