I was talking with a friend from college a few days ago who is currently working on a PhD, and we were commiserating about not yet being where we want to be - that we feel like we are treading water, waiting for life to start. I've been struggling with this feeling quite a bit lately - that I'm not doing what (a) I want to be doing and more importantly(b) I'm not doing what God is calling me to do.
But then, what is God calling me to do? I can remember so vividly a time in college (spring of my freshman year) when I truly felt God calling me to real mission work - leave the comfort of the states, go to some third world village, and be with people and love them. At the time I felt torn between walking away from college and parental expectations and this strong call, and in the end expectations won out. But then I said, when I graduate, I'll do the Peace Corps or LVC or something.
But then, I met this wonderful goofy guy and got married instead. So now, I have this "great" life - wonderful husband, great friends, good job, a house, etc. And I feel like a sell-out, like I've totally walked away from the call that was so clear and strong 8 years ago. I'm trying to work towards getting my MSW so I can find a way to work with those in need and fight for social justice, but that reality is at least 4 years away right now. I just feel so frustrated - that I'm not in the place God wants me to be and I don't know how to reconcile that.
MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
~Thomas Merton
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3 comments:
I'm simultaneously sad and glad to see you struggle with this, Kriss... I hope that makes sense. I think that God is in the struggle ("Israel"), so it's a good place to be. May God direct you in your wrestling.
Kriss, deep stuff. It sounds like Ken's post here:http://thetennysonian.blogspot.com/2009/03/upside-down.html
If God is in the struggle, then God better be able to take a left hook to the jaw.
That's how I've been feeling about my recent hulabaloo around call and doing God's will. Maybe I should stick with your "treading water" metaphor, which is as frustrating but not as violent.
I hope you're feeling not as influenza-y. <3
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