Yesterday I was thinking about the service event for the new campus ministry group Ben is organizing that is taking place on Friday. We will be visiting a new family shelter that has opened in Fairfax to serve dinner. Since this site just opened, there are not many families, and so serving dinner will probably not take very long. Ben was concerned that there wouldn't be enough for us to do, but I suggested that perhaps that would leave time for us and the students to spend some time talking with the families. Ben agreed, but also said that he was glad I was coming along because I'm better at that kind of conversation than he is.
That statement has really stuck with me and yesterday it really started to challenge me. How true is that? I am beginning this MSW program because I want to be working in relationship with people in need. But am I really, currently equipped to be effective at relational ministry and service?
To answer honestly, I am not. Yesterday when I came to that conclusion it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I have a GIGANTIC chip on my shoulder. I am an incredibly arrogant person. Ben and I have had several heated discussions in the past week or so that have really highlighted this, though of course it is only in retrospect that I see it. I have a lot of ideas about right and wrong and a lot of ideals about how the world should work. Especially when it comes to providing service to the poor, I want to challenge individuals and especially the church to really move outside of current comfort zones and seek to do the work Jesus calls us to. But somewhere along the way (or maybe I started out this way) I stopped seeing the steps on the path and only focused on the end of the journey. How will I ever really be able to be effective at relational ministry if I can't see the joy in people's (and churches') baby steps along the way? Why do I keep seeing the attempts as bad?
But then maybe I don't need answers to the why, I just need a plan for change. Because this chip on my shoulder is putting up a wall between me and the rest of the body of Christ...
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Ha! I suffer a lot from this kind of arrogance too, though more in the realm of ecclesiology than service to the poor (although attitudes toward compassionate service are a big part of what I tend to arrogantly criticize about other people's ecclesiology). If you find a cure, please share it!!
Sometimes I find this sort of condition can be somewhat relieved by a boot to the head from the Holy Spirit. But those hurt, trust me.
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