prayerwalk peacewalk

2010-08-05T10:55:00.003-04:00

? can't quite get a hold of what that is. I wish I knew what I'm so anxious about so I could make it stop!!!

2010-08-05T10:55:00.001-04:00

? Arggh! I feel like such a mess right now but I cannot figure out why. There is something about this new client that is apparently freaking me out, but I

Emotional Storm

2010-07-22T13:58:00.003-04:00

So my now former client just came and picked up his stuff. And he was himself. Or at least, he presented the way I had become accustomed to seeing him. And when he left, I could not keep from crying. My heart just wants to take him back into the program and try to keep moving forward with him. But then, he hasn't even asked for that.

It just breaks my heart.

Debrief?

2010-07-18T19:43:00.002-04:00

I've been burying myself in TV for over three days now; buried under blankets, snuggled with my dog, battling a cold and who knows what else. Tomorrow I need to go back to work and deal with the next phases of a drama that began unfolding a week ago; a drama I've been doing everything possible to keep out of my mind because of the pit it creates in my already-upset-stomach.

I'm not sure what I'm so upset about. The drama is not my fault; it is not the direct result of choices or actions on my part. And yet, it has me feeling like a professional failure. I've decided to put out my emotional diarrhea on this issue here so that I can hopefully move beyond it tomorrow when I go back to work.

I've been at this job for just about 4 months now. My 90 day review was positive. Overall I have felt positive and productive with the work. In the past month and half, my first two clients both chose to leave our program, each in their own destructive way. The first was disappointing, but not overly surprising. The second was much more disappointing, but only a little less surprising.

I can't say for sure that I specifically failed. But my physical stress makes it clear I am not at ease over this. I'm sure I've crossed some personal, emotional boundaries in my attachment to my clients. I'm stumbling all over the line between nurturing support and strict accountability. I think I've leaned to far to the nurturing side; but I truly believe that in order to help these men build new lives I must show them trust and respect first. But in working with a population that survives on manipulation, how do I uphold that belief without setting myself up? That, I just don't know how to answer.

Bottom line - tomorrow I need to be able to go in, deal with the situation at hand, then begin brainstorming how to adjust the program to improve our chance of success in the future. I somehow need to disengage my personal feelings for the clients and my own professional skills so I can be thoughtful and productive.

And of course, I've got at least three different illness issues going on now. Ok, whining done. Here's hoping for a good night's sleep and a miraculous return to health in the morning.

Apologies

2010-06-11T10:55:00.002-04:00

The past few months have been a blur. A good blur. An exciting blur. A sometimes overwhelming blur. But I love it. My new job is great. My boss, coworkers are great. My clients are challenging but interesting. I'm learning a lot and I do feel like I'm making a small difference. Everything I wanted.

But I've been so overwhelmed by work and am still so protective of my health (even though I'm feeling really good) that I've basically been ignoring my friends, my communities. And that is not cool.

So here's my promise for the summer: to find the balance between work and play, to remember that my friends and family are just as important as my clients, and to continue to improve my health by feeding my heart and soul through my engagement with my friends.

To everyone I've ignored, not gotten back to, etc., I am very, very sorry. I love you all and I can't imagine my life without you. I'm sending hugs and promising phone calls!

Lenten Practice Reflections

2010-03-24T20:33:00.004-04:00

I really, really suck at blogging. Clearly. That, and the last few weeks have been super busy. I interviewed for two jobs and then was hired by OAR of Fairfax to work with their residential Beacon program. I'm now in the midst of my 3rd week of work. Whew!

I feel like in the second half of Lent I had strayed from my original intention. But then I have also reminded myself that from the beginning I said that looking for a job that serves those in need would "count". And it's not like I haven't done anything during this time. I have begun my prisoner pen-pal program. I have tried to follow up with Bethany House, but apparently my background check is taking a while to come in and therefore they can't extend a volunteer opportunity to me until it does. I submitted a second application/interest in a program that provides video mentoring for children in South Africa.

I thought when I started this that during the 40 days my "vision" would be expanded to see all of the need right around me. I suppose that this both is and is not true. I do feel I was more "tuned-in" to the needs of my neighbors, family, and friends. And those are valid needs. But what I didn't see, what I struggled to access, were the "least of these" - the homeless, the hungry, the naked, etc. And I tried. But it was difficult to determine which volunteer groups to apply to, how many to apply to, and so on. Especially now that I am working again, I cannot commit myself to 10 different volunteer organizations. But then, even of the ones I tried to commit myself to, only one has really happened. One has struggled to get the background check sorted out, and now I don't think I will have the time to provide the support I initially thought I could. Others just haven't replied or followed up with me.

It is both discouraging and odd to have found such difficulty in trying to provide service to those in need. We live in a very broken and hurting world, but the most accessible way for me to give to people truly in need is to pull out my credit card and make an online donation. I do understand that agencies need to conduct background checks and have volunteer screening processes to protect the safety of their staff and clients, but I cannot believe how much of a hurdle that has been. And I know I can pass a background check - I had to for my new job!

I think the real conclusion I have drawn is that part of the issue is how "sanitized" the area in which I live is. If I worked in DC, I'm sure I would have had more opportunities to buy lunch for homeless individuals, or give them grocery store gift cards. If I lived in a poorer area I'm sure I would have had more opportunities to cook meals for struggling neighbors or mentor young kids. But, I live in Fairfax, VA. Truly sanitized for your protection. I have to work harder to find individuals in need because we have worked so hard to separate ourselves from them. By choosing to live where I do, I am complicit in this segregation of society between the "have it togethers" and the "don't have it togethers."

So, now what. Lent is over. I have joyfully celebrated the amazingness of the Resurrection, of the power of God's love and forgiveness. My heart and soul are renewed and restored to continue to share the story and the grace. I found a great job working with individuals who are in need, who are cast of society. Does this mean I accomplished my goal? Maybe. Yes, if it means that I continue to look for those in need wherever I am. Yes, if I continue to hunt down ways to provide service whenever and wherever possible. No, if I let my job be my service and then settle down each night in my comfortable, sanitized neighborhood and pat myself on the back for my "charitable work". No, if I continue to live my life in the "safe" and "clean" areas without recognizing that I'm making a choice to separate myself from God's children.

So yeah, maybe I learned a lot this Lent about suffering and my role in creating and relieving it. Maybe I had my eyes opened to places of need. Thankfully, God's grace is big enough for my maybe's, and even my no's. And I need God's grace, all day everyday. And perhaps in the grand scheme, that's the true lesson of Lent - that we need this amazing ridiculous, inconceivable love and grace so much, and we are so, so, so blessed that God gives it, everyday, to everyone.

March 8, 2010

2010-03-08T14:05:00.000-05:00

So today I finally got around to sending a letter to our World Vision child. We have been sponsoring him for a couple years now, and somehow I have just never gotten around to writing a letter. I think this really highlights how little effort it takes for me to adjust my priorities. I hope that I will actually be able to build a relationship with him now. But yeah, I still feel really lame that I haven't written him before. Boo me.

Mar 1-6, 2010

2010-03-08T13:49:00.001-05:00

So I've been doing a really bad job of keeping up with the blogging portion of my Lenten practice. Luckily, I've been doing a much better job of keeping up with the actual practice. Part of why I didn't blog last week was because I was working on finishing a project I started on Monday. But I think there is a deeper reason why I keep forgetting the blog. When I first started this practice, each day's "giving" was a very specifically planned event. It was kind of a big deal. But as the days have gone on, it feels like the practice is becoming habit. Instead of focusing specifically each day on what I am going to do, I have a list in my head of things I can do and easily make time for one each day. I'm also finding some opportunities that organically come up as I go through my day.

So here's a quick summary of what I did last week:

Mar 1
Eco-crafting (sweater bags) - While I am focusing primarily on connecting with people, I do think it's important to look for ways to help the environment as well. So today I started working on turning an old sweater into a purse.

Mar 2
I sent flowers to my Grandma H, who is in rehab right now recovering from breaking her leg. She has been there for about 5 weeks now. I know she received a lot of cards and flowers. But after being there for a while and since she is making such amazing progress, I wanted to send her a little bundle of sunshine. She should receive them next Monday.

Mar 3
Today I finally packed up the clothes, shoes, etc. I have been collecting to give away and dropped them off for Goodwill.

Mar 4
Tonight I helped teach a child development class for clients at Bethany House. I got to hang out with some of the kids and then worked with their mothers. I really enjoyed being able to share my knowledge about child development and ways to support and encourage growth. And best of all, they really enjoyed the class!

Mar 5
Today I filled out the agreement information for the Barnabas Pen Pal program and agreed to take two pen pals. I am really excited to actually get started on this!

Mar 6
Today I was out shopping with a friend and stumbled upon a silly little trinket that made me think of a really good friend I don't see or talk to enough. So I picked it up and will send it to her with a little note. :)

So we'll see if next week I can try to get back to daily blogging. :)

Feb 27, 2010

2010-02-28T13:44:00.001-05:00

I seem to be slowing down a bit. I'm not sure if that's because my time is filling up with more events, because I'm focusing more energy on finding a job, or some other reason. However, I am following through on my promise to find a way each day to connect with those in need.

Today I donated to my friend Allie's effort to raise money for the Central Ohio Diabetes Association through their annual Swim/Walk for Diabetes. Her father has had very serious struggles with diabetes over the past several years, and this has been one way that she is supporting him. I have tried to support her efforts each year. Allie has been one of my dearest friends since high school, and her father has also been an important person in my life. In fact, he was one of the first people to see my first tattoo!

Donating money is a way of reaching those in need that often seems as detrimental as it does helpful, at least to me. Obviously, money is needed to fund research, purchase needed goods, etc. Many nonprofit organizations can get a lot more with an amount of money that I could get in goods for the same amount because they can buy in bulk or they have agreements with certain vendors. So yes, donating money is a good way to help people in need.

But, I think it is important that writing a check or hitting "submit" on a webpage can't be the only way we connect with God's children in need. I think the personal, relational aspect of service is just as important as funding. Especially as affluent Americans, I think we need to be reminded of the great need so many are experiencing. True, the news stations demonstrate this with the sorrow of situations like the recent earthquakes in Haiti, Japan, and now Chile. But there are adults and children and families who are also in need right outside our doors. Fairfax County VA may be super-rich area, but there are homeless here too. So yeah, giving money is great and useful, but I really feel that we need to personally connect with "the least of these" as well.

Catch Up: Feb 24-26, 2010

2010-02-27T15:04:00.003-05:00

Luckily I have done a better job of keeping up with my Lenten practice than I have with blogging about it. So, in an attempt to catch up I am going to go through the days have missed in this one post.

Feb 24, 2010
Today I wrote a letter/card to Ben's Grandma Buss. Ben's grandfather has been going through a very rough time health-wise since Christmas. He has been in and out of the hospital and nursing homes, in intense pain, and he has recently had a heart attack. So obviously, he needs our support and help. But as the wife of someone who has had rough health times and hospitalizations, I know that she needs love and support too. So I bought a "thinking of you" card and wrote her a long note inside.

I really enjoyed taking the time to thoughtfully write a note, to think about her and pray for her as I was working on it. It also reminded me that while there are so many in need that are far away from me, in other countries, other places, there are also people in need in my own family, even those I see everyday. I am going to try to remember this throughout Lent and continue to take a day here and there to reach out those close to me who are in need.

Feb 25, 2010
So today my plan was to buy a few burgers and take them to the homeless men selling "Street Sense" at the Vienna metro on my way to the Common Table midweek gathering. I have done this before, in Columbus - I would occasionally buy a burger or a sub for the homeless men on High Street. So I really didn't understand why all day I was feeling anxious anytime I thought about doing this. I've tried to break down this anxiety, but it remains somewhat ambiguous. There were little things - what if they aren't there? What if there are more people there than I brought food for? But there was also something else, down deeper, that remains a mystery; maybe something related to unearthed prejudices about the homeless, or maybe something related to silly nerves about how I'd be perceived. Who knows. Silly, crazy, unknown anxiety.

But, I pushed on. I bought 4 burgers at Wendy's. I walked around the Metro looking for them where I had seen them with the paper the week before. No luck. So, I walked over to one of the Metro employees, explained what I was trying to do, and offered the burgers to him. He said that they usually come through about an hour later, and that he would pass them along.

So it all worked out. But I still wonder if I had actually met the men myself if I would have gotten more clarity on my anxiety. So maybe I'll try that one again.

Feb 26, 2010
Today I met with the helpline coordinator for Bethany House to see if I would be a good fit. We talked for a long time about the helpline and other things. It was a great conversation, and I would be excited to work with her and the other volunteer I met. Not much more to say. I really hope I'm able to start working there soon.

Feb 23, 2010

2010-02-24T13:46:00.003-05:00

Today I met with the volunteer coordinator at Bethany House to talk specifically about what volunteering opportunities I might participate in. It was a fairly quick meeting and we came to a consensus on supporting the helpline and possibly assisting with teaching child development for the life skills program.

Though brief, it was an interesting conversation. Going in, I certainly had my own thoughts about what I wanted to do, but I also felt that it wasn't as much for me to decide as it was for the agency to fill their need. It sparked some interesting thoughts for me, both as we were talking and after I left. My goal in volunteering is to serve a need for a particular agency or group of people in need. However, there is also the reality that if volunteers are not invested in and engaged by the jobs they are doing, they will not stay for long. Luckily for me and the volunteer coordinator, I want to work on the helpline and they need someone to work on the helpline.

The coordinator told me that for the helpline they ask for a long term commitment, because of the extra training required. And the length of the commitment - 6 months. I was a little taken aback by the shortness of the "long term" commitment. It is sad to think that they can't expect most of their volunteers to stick around that long, so much so that they need ask for a "special" commitment.

I wonder why when we volunteer for something it is difficult to stick with for the long haul. I know that in the past I have struggled with this, and back to point one I think it was because I was not completely invested in what I was doing. Anyway, it is sad that volunteerism can lack staying power.

I wonder why this happens. Thoughts? Experiences?

Feb 22, 2010

2010-02-22T22:58:00.002-05:00

So my plan for today was to find a prisoner penpal program to join. Prison outreach and reform of the criminal justice system are very important to me. Since I acknowledge that I cannot necessarily fill up every moment of my day with physical volunteering, I thought that this would be a good way to connect with an prisoner in need and provide at least a little support.

There are literally thousands of prison ministries online. If you search "prisoner penpal", you end up with a lot of hits about something other than letter writing for moral support. Searching through the lists and websites, I found myself feeling hesitant about not knowing anything about them, and quite honestly not being sure if I could trust them. How horrible is that? Looking for ministries of faith and not having the faith to trust that they are actually doing what they say they are. It's a weird world (or maybe just my weird mind).

But I did find two options that look viable: Good News Jail & Prison Ministry and a Salvation Army Ministry. I've sent out emails and we'll see what comes back.

Tonight, I'm praying for all those in jails and prisons and detention centers around the world.

Who cares for the suffering ones?

2010-02-22T11:33:00.002-05:00

So I've decided that I am going to take Sunday's "off" so to speak. Technically they are not part of Lent. I've decided that it is good to take a Sabbath and spend some time focusing on my relationship with God. So that's the plan. I may or may not blog on Sundays, depending on where the Spirit leads me.

Church yesterday really built upon what I was thinking about the Haiti kits. The youth at our church had spent the weekend doing a 30-hour famine to learn more about hunger around the world. This morning, they led a beautiful worship service. I was impressed that 39 youth spent their weekend doing this.

During the sermon portion, they shared stories of a few children being served by World Vision. They also shared that every 3 seconds a child dies of hunger related causes (illness, etc.) and every 7 seconds a child dies from hunger. Then they sang a song and put up a mosaic of pictures of children and every 3 seconds a picture disappeared from the mosaic until the screen was black. I was completely overwhelmed and started sobbing.

There's this reality outside of my "safe borders" in which people are suffering and dieing, constantly. Staring at that truth makes me feel so helpless; it's paralyzing. I've hit this wall before: overwhelmed by the injustice in the world and no clear way fix it.

But as I was falling asleep last night, quiet, depressed and distant, I was thinking over Psalm 91.

¹ He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

² I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

³ Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

¹⁰ then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

¹³ You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

¹⁵ He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

¹⁶ With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

These words are the foundation of one of my favorite hymns: "Eagle's Wings". It has been the lectionary readings for the past several days, during which time I have been reading over once or twice a day. As I have been reading and meditating on it, I have found it very comforting. With the changes in my health and my attempts to find a job, these words have helped me find peace knowing that God is with me, or "on my siiide" as Rob Bell would say. But last night, the Spirit again brought me out of my selfish, self-centered existence. These words were transformed from providing comfort for me into a prayer for all those truly in need.

Through this prayer, the Spirit also calmed my paralyzing depression at our world's, our humanity's state of affairs. I am not God. I cannot save everyone, everywhere. Honestly, I can't *save* anyone. All I can do try and give the love and grace that God has given me to those I meet. I can provide service, support where God calls me to. I can share the Gospel and invite others to provide service as well. And, I can keep praying Psalm 91 for all those suffering around the world.

Feb 20, 2010

2010-02-21T13:35:00.004-05:00

...writing a day late...

So yesterday I shopped for materials to put together kits Lutheran World Relief is collecting for Haiti:

Include the following items in each Health Kit (in a large zip-lock bag):

One hand towel, dark color recommended
One washcloth, dark color recommended
One bath-size bar (4 to 5 oz.) of soap, any brand, in its original wrapping
One adult-size toothbrush in its original packaging
One sturdy comb, remove packaging
One metal nail file or nail clippers with file attached, remove packaging (do not substitute cardboard emery boards for the file)
Six Band-Aids® (or similar brand), preferably 1/2" to 3/4"; secure together with a rubber band

As I was shopping for these items, I was really overwhelmed by the simplicity of these items, and our over-abundance of them. How many of us have agonized over the right color and feel of hand towels? I couldn't even find bars of soap sold individually, with the exception of super-expensive, specialized brands. There seem to be 700 different kinds of toothbrushes - not including the electric ones. And six band aids? Six? They come in boxes of 20, 40, etc...It seems ridiculous to me to say "Oh, I'm so sorry you had this horrible, devastating earthquake. Here's six band aids to make it all better."

But then I read a little more about the kits on LWR's website:

People who must flee their homes quickly often do not have time to pack essential items. Health kits can help refugees maintain personal hygiene while living in exile. Items may also contribute to a new start for those who can return home.

After thinking this over, I realized that perhaps my concern over how little these kits provide is reflection of my inflated sense of need. Why do I need to have a spare toothbrush (or two) sitting in my drawer? Why do I need to have both an electric toothbrush and a "regular" toothbrush as well?

The greater question for me now is, how can I, am middle class American ever understand the kind of need the Haitian's are experiencing right now? Am I committing injustice by sitting on my couch under a blanket snacking on cookies while watching TV?

Feb 19, 2010 revisited, Courage

2010-02-20T13:20:00.003-05:00

As I was falling asleep last night, I thought a lot more about the individuals I met last night. The word that kept coming to my mind was "courage". The honesty with which they acknowledged their mistakes to us, complete strangers.

Another word that came to mind was "exhausting". It was Friday evening, and you could tell that it had been a hard week. But instead of crashing out on a couch, ignoring the world, and letting the week just drain away. But instead, they were pulling out blankets to sleep in taped off rectangles on the floor, eating whatever food had been cook to be served to them, and making conversation with complete strangers. As volunteers, we'd like to think that our conversation was stimulating and supportive, but honestly it was probably exhausting. I want to believe that the deaf woman I signed and talked with enjoyed our conversation, she at least indicated she did, but I would imagine it still took some effort. And again, it must take a lot of courage to sit and talk with the volunteers instead of shutting out the world in a blanket on the floor.

I've come away from last night feeling grateful that the men and women I met shared their time with me. And here's the cliche I was trying to avoid last night: This service event feels like i got more than I gave; that it wasn't work at all; and that I wish I could have done more.

Feb 19, 2010

2010-02-19T22:50:00.002-05:00

Tonight I went with Ben and a few students from GMU LCM to help Bethlehem Lutheran Church and FACETS with their Hypothermia Shelter. We helped serve dinner to approximately 30 individuals and then spent time socializing with them.

I'm not really sure what to say about the experience. Everything that comes to mind seems trite or cliched. One interesting thing that happened was that I met a deaf woman and was able to sign with her (sort of - luckily she read lips well). I enjoyed sitting with her and talking and being able to converse in sign again. It was really nice to make that connection.

I have a lot of thoughts about a lot of issues related to tonight. But I'm really not sure how to articulate them. Maybe I'll follow up tomorrow.

Say a prayer for those who don't have a warm place to sleep tonight.

Another Perspective

2010-02-19T10:44:00.002-05:00

Here are some amazing words that articulate my feelings about Lent this year.

http://blog.sojo.net/2010/02/17/lent-isnt-about-denial-its-about-transformation/

Feb 18, 2010

2010-02-18T22:59:00.002-05:00

So today I attended a volunteer orientation for a agency that works with women and children in the Northern Virginia area who are victims of domestic violence. It was an interesting orientation. First, the agency is set up to support women and children "for the long haul". Their "emergency shelters" are set up to house women and their children for 4-6 months, and then they also operate 2 transitional housing programs. They are dedicated to not sending anyone away unless they have a viable place to go. They also provide periodic "after care" checkups. I appreciated hearing about this model, which to me seems to attempt to ensure a greater degree of success at setting women up to break the cycle of violence.

Aside from learning about the agency, we orientatees also participated in an illuminating exercise. Each of us was given a color-coded card with information about a particular woman. We then went through a number of stations describing that woman's experience with domestic abuse. At many of the stations, the "story" allowed us to choose where we would go next - seek help from family or go to the police? Go back home or try and get a job? As I went through this exercise, I found myself almost feeling exhausted by the constant running here and there and wondering when it would end. But then I stopped myself and thought about the fact that what I was experiencing in fantasy over the course of a few minutes, real women are experiencing in reality over the course of months and years. It was one of those "slap me in the face with my own idiocy" moments. Of all the classes and workshops I have attended that have talked about domestic violence, I think that hour I spent going through this exercise as two different women taught me more about the cycle and the struggles.

So next Tuesday I am scheduled to sit down with the volunteer coordinator and talk about what exactly I might be able to do to help out the agency and their clients. On one hand, I'm proud of myself that I've been able to "line something up" so quickly upon embarking on this journey, but then at the same time it shows me just how within reach it's always been. Yes, there is a big difference right now from 2 months ago in how I feel and how that allows me to feel more free to pursue this. And yes, the fact that I'm not working means that I have more free time. But really, all it really took was looking up some information on the web, sending an email, and attending a 1.5 hour orientation. So really, all it really took was doing it.

But then, I'm not sure if I should be thankful that there are these agencies so close at hand or sad that there is a need for them to be so close at hand. Tonight I'm going to sleep saying a prayer for God to protect and comfort all those in abusive relationships.

Should we not shout, "Allelulia!"?

2010-02-18T12:26:00.004-05:00

Shrouded crosses
No shouts of Alleluia

We make Lent a somber season
Mourning before He's dead

If our aim is to draw closer to God,
As we prepare to celebrate the amazing events of Easter,
Then why are we so sad?

And if we are to examine our sins
And repent
Then why are we so dreary?

In true repentance there is
Joy
Grace
Forgiveness
and New Life!!

And at such a time,
Should we not shout -
"ALLELUIA!"?

Feb 17, 2010

2010-02-17T14:09:00.003-05:00

Today I started my Lenten practice by doing one of the suggestions from the "Lent Experiment" on Facebook, taking a cup of tea to someone. So I made a cup of my favorite tea (Green Honey Chamomile) and took it next door to my neighbor. Her house has been having a hard time with all of the snow and ice, so I thought she could use a relaxing cup of tea.

The best part happened after I brought the tea over. She invited me in and we sat and talked while she drank it. I played with her kids, braided her daughter's hair, and just generally enjoyed time with the family. It was a nice break for both of us.

I also contacted The Lamb Center to inquire about volunteer opportunities. Hopefully I will hear back from them soon about ways I can support their work.

Lenten Practice 2010

2010-02-17T13:52:00.003-05:00

Over the years, I have tried several different Lenten practices. I've given up chocolate, only to find that I love strawberry sundaes. I tried fasting one day a week, but I struggled to focus on God and not on my growling belly. I think my most successful Lent was when I was 10 and I gave up fighting with my mother, which astonishingly worked and greatly improved our relationship.

So today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of a new Lenten journey. I haven't been thinking much lately about what I could "give up", especially since I am finally feeling better and am trying to "get back" my life. Then I read this passage from Isaiah that was part of a Lenten devotion series my husband is doing again this year:

Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of injustice, to undo the thongs of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover them, and not to hide yourself from your own kin? *Isaiah 58:6-7*

I meditated on this as I walked my dog and the Spirit led me to a wonderful practice for this year's journey: connecting with those in need. What better way to draw closer to God than by reaching out to God's children? So each day I will challenge myself to find ways to connect with those in my neighborhood and community who are in need. This may take on many forms - applying for social service jobs, exploring volunteer opportunities, or even just spending time with someone who needs a friend. And I will post each day about what I did and where I saw God. After spending the better part of the past two years focusing primarily on my life, my health, my illness, my issues, I think that this practice will help get me off my couch, away from my TV, and focusing on God's kingdom here and how I can help those in need.

I'm a hypocrite

2010-01-14T17:54:00.002-05:00

A dear friend of mine posted this on FB today:

I was hungry,And you formed a humanities group to discuss my hunger. I was imprisoned, And you crept off quietly to your chapel and prayed for my release.I was naked,And in your mind you debated the morality of my appearance. I was sick, And you knelt and thanked God for your health. I was homeless, And you preached a sermon on the spiritual shelter of the love of God. I was lonely, and you left me alone to pray for me. You seem so holy, so close to God –But I am still very hungry – and lonely – and cold. Skip Newby

As I read it, I love it. And as I love it, I realize that it is speaking directly to me. I feel the call to actively do for those in need, but right now I feel trapped by my health issues. Then something like the earthquake in Haiti happens and I see the real pain, suffering, and unimaginable difficulty they are living and fighting through. And then I feel really lame, really weak, really pathetic.

Dear God, Help me find my place to serve your children. Amen.

praying for guidance

2009-12-11T16:29:00.002-05:00

since I was 19 I have felt a strong call to active ministry
to carry out my faith caring for the sick, the poor, the homeless, the outcast

since then I have struggled with finding the practical application of that call
becoming a missionary
becoming an ordained pastor
becoming a social worker

in the fall of 2007 I took a step, a real step on the path of my call
I started working towards my MSW
while I didn't always love my classes, I loved the theory & the mission & the practice
and when I started my first internship, I really loved it

but then
my body broke down
and I tried to be patient, accepting
I tried to find a new way down the path
but I wasn't strong enough, healthy enough to carry on

and now I feel like I can't do anything
I'm sitting on this path, straining to move forward
but unable to move (literally)

I believe that God will help me see what direction to go in next
in time

I believe that God will help me find the strength to love those in need
in time

but right now
in all honesty
I am IMPATIENT

I don't want to wait
I don't want to feel useless

so
for now
hello world - I LOVE YOU!
from a distance
from my couch

and one day I will find a way
with God
to hug the leper, feed the hungry, take in the homeless, forgive the prisoner, and above all
love the lost
in person

Baptism prayer

2009-10-04T14:46:00.002-04:00

Nuture me in faith and prayer so that I may learn to trust God, proclaim Christ through word and deed, care for others and the world God made, and work for justice and peace.

new tattoo inspiration

2009-08-05T10:21:00.005-04:00

Paul suggests, beginning with our very lives, that nothing in life is “mine.” Life is a gift. The only real belonging is the reality that we belong to God – the God who created us, who redeemed us, and who fills us with the breath of life. We, and everything about our lives, comes with a tag that says “Use as intended” – and the whole kit and kaboodle belongs to God.

So it is that Paul is carrying this message to the Corinthians who seem to have forgotten much of what he taught them in the time he was among them. They are being swayed by other teachers. They seem content returning to the dead end lives in which Paul found them. They are being manipulated by teachers who present an “eye candy” faith that is increasingly disconnected from the heart of God-given reality.

So Paul reminds them that they belong to God. Their lives are not their own. Their calling, like Paul’s calling, comes to them from the outside. They live, not for themselves, but as representatives, ambassadors, of a divine sovereignty. They have died to an old life that God might raise them to a new life and that changes everything.

Not “mine” but “thine.”

~ Pastor Kerry Nelson

a few interesting quotes

2009-08-05T10:04:00.003-04:00

a few things that have caught my eye and my mind and that I've been meditating on...

Spiritual disciplines are not ways to eradicate all our desires but ways to order them so that they can serve one another and together serve God. ~Henri Nouwen

We live between the trees, in a world drenched in God. And some people seriously ask, you know, "Where is God?" Maybe a better question would be, "Where isn't God?" I mean, his fingerprints are all over our world. Or maybe it's his world and they're our fingerprints. ~Rob Bell

May you trust that Jesus, when he says that death has been taken care of, and that you can live forever with God, that you're never, ever, ever going to stop living. May you believe that death has been taken care of, and you can be a partner with God in redeeming and restoring this fallen, broken, hurting world. That you can literally be a partner with God in making this the kind of place that God orginially intended it to be. May you be the kind of person who, when you live this way, the very trees of Paradise are being planted. ~Rob Bell

2009-04-07T10:10:00.002-04:00

I read this today in one of the devotions I receive:

"Christ isn't really Christ until He makes it into our homes. We don't attend Sunday worship, maybe a mid-week Bible Study, and consider it over. Our transition into Christians occurs when Christ is the center of our lives every day. This is a challenge. This is difficult. It necessitates change within our lives."

It's the challenge I'm struggling with. The question I don't know how to answer right now. Reading this makes me feel challenged, called, scared, and as though I'm failing.

Create in me a clean heart O God,
And renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from your presence O Lord,
And take not your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of your salvation,
And renew a right spirit within me.

This says it all....

2009-03-24T11:59:00.001-04:00

Jesus for President

Where am I going? What am I doing?

2009-03-06T13:10:00.003-05:00

I was talking with a friend from college a few days ago who is currently working on a PhD, and we were commiserating about not yet being where we want to be - that we feel like we are treading water, waiting for life to start. I've been struggling with this feeling quite a bit lately - that I'm not doing what (a) I want to be doing and more importantly(b) I'm not doing what God is calling me to do.

But then, what is God calling me to do? I can remember so vividly a time in college (spring of my freshman year) when I truly felt God calling me to real mission work - leave the comfort of the states, go to some third world village, and be with people and love them. At the time I felt torn between walking away from college and parental expectations and this strong call, and in the end expectations won out. But then I said, when I graduate, I'll do the Peace Corps or LVC or something.

But then, I met this wonderful goofy guy and got married instead. So now, I have this "great" life - wonderful husband, great friends, good job, a house, etc. And I feel like a sell-out, like I've totally walked away from the call that was so clear and strong 8 years ago. I'm trying to work towards getting my MSW so I can find a way to work with those in need and fight for social justice, but that reality is at least 4 years away right now. I just feel so frustrated - that I'm not in the place God wants me to be and I don't know how to reconcile that.

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
~Thomas Merton

Scripture Meditations for Lent

2009-02-25T15:10:00.002-05:00

Readings from today that summarize what I had been trying to articulate as my meditations for Lent:

Psalm 51:17
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

Matthew 6:19-21, 24
Do not store up for yourself treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourself treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
No one can serve two masters. Either she will hate one and love the other, or she will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

fear and love

2009-02-23T12:51:00.002-05:00

If
fear of God is the beginning of wisdom
and
love of God is the root of true knowledge
then
perfect love will bring us perfect knowledge
but
I cannot love perfectly
so
I cannot know perfectly
and
I will live my days in tension between fear and love

Seeking balance

2009-01-20T07:11:00.002-05:00

Our culture's obsession with excellence keeps us toiling under the tyranny of perfectionism. Yet perfection itself is not the tyrant—it's our notions about it that rule us.

I am obsessed with being perfect - the perfect student, employee, co-worker; having the perfect clothes, body, life. It wears me down, keeps me always wanting more. It keeps me from ever being content with my life, with what I have. It keeps me from realizing how blessed I am. It keeps me from giving to others as I feel I ought.

But most of all, it keeps me from realizing God's true grace, true love, true forgiveness. How can I let go of my perfectionism? Accept my self as a sinful, but loved and forgiven child of God?

There's a praise song I used to sing a long time ago that had the line:
Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for
Brokenness is what I need
Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for
and what You want from me

When I first heard this song, I could not understand these lines. Why would I long to be broken? Why would God want me to be broken? But now when I hear/sing this song, it reminds me that to accept God's grace, I need to first realize that I need it. I need to embrace my brokenness, know that I am not perfect, stop trying to be perfect in order to need God, to really have a full relationship with God.

As Luther said, "Sin boldly, and believer more boldly still."

Where will my feet land next?

2009-01-08T18:52:00.003-05:00

It's been a whirlwind few months, culminating in my recent diagnosis of fibromyalgia and my decision to take a leave of absence from school while I get things figured out and under control. I'm torn between relief that I can now rest and relax and guilt that I'm "giving up" on my goal/dream of becoming a social worker.

I've never been a particularly balanced person (haha). I've usually floated from one extreme to another, and in the past few years I've been running and going like crazy between work, school, and a dozen other things. Now I'm forced to slow down and prioritize, but I fear that I have and will continue to go too far. I still want to engage with the community, find ways to serve other people, make friends and spend time with old friends. So how do I find the balance between doing too much and becoming a home-bound bum?

Consumerism

2008-03-31T14:58:00.000-04:00

The question we need to ask with any spiritual discipline is, What does God want to accomplish through this practice? ... Perhaps we can see, then, that the discipline of fasting has to do with the critical dynamic of accepting those limits which are life-restoring. Our culture would seduce us into believing that we can have it all, do it all, and (even more preposterous!) that we deserve it all. Yet in refusing to accept limits on our consumption or activity, we perpetuate a death-dealing dynamic in the world. That is whey the discipline of fasting is so profoundly important today.

- Marjorie J. Thompson
Soul Feast

I need to meditate on this...

Creatures of peace and majesty

2008-03-12T16:08:00.003-04:00

I love these creatures - so beautiful and majestic...fine features packaged in powerful bodies...profound souls and hysterical companionship. I miss spending so much time with them, smelling like them, learning and growing with them...maybe someday soon...

Boys in the Snow

2008-03-08T15:45:00.000-05:00

I love the way my husband loves the snow. Not only does he smile and look in awe at the beauty it creates, but he also loves the way it brings people together. He loves to take every opportunity to jump out of our car to push or dig someone else out of a jam. I am so blessed to be married to someone who finds such joy and charity in the midst of a blizzard.

Adventures in Missing the Point...of life

2008-02-15T15:12:00.003-05:00

It's been over a month since I have enjoyed coming to work, since I have felt like I am doing anything of substance. In the past month I have read of lot of online news and chatted with friends, but I have done very little in the way of "work" while sitting in my cave. I did used to like my job. Now, I feel like I'm just wasting time.

In the rush to get papers done, presentations ready, and wade through pages of reading before each class, I've forgotten why I even started this endeavor. I'm so caught up in the poor administration of the field placement program and worry about my grades that I have lost sight of the call that led me to the MSW program.

Since going back to school and Ben taking on the campus ministry job, I feel like I barely ever see him. We do usually cross paths, sit for a few minutes, or at least sleep next to each other every day, but I don't fee like I *see* him. Like we've become roommates instead of spouses, each going a million miles an hour in different directions, in lives that are on different paths.

I'm exhausted all the time. I pray rarely. I'm crabby and difficult to be around. This week I started wanting a second dog and now I'm obsessed with the idea. I know that I feel like I am missing something, that there is some piece of my life or my soul or my being that is missing and if I don't fill it I will keep spiraling down this path. I recognize that what I am probably missing is a meaningful relationship with God and the way that influences my other relationships. It is also possible that I'm missing having a meaningful relationship with the important people in my life who I rarely see or talk to since we have all become too consumed by life to live it.

I know a dog won't fit that hole, exactly, and that I already have an amazing pooch. But there's something about dogs (most animals) that lightens my burden and opens my soul. And the thought of having a dog with fewer "social quirks" is certainly appealing. This idea has taken hold in my heart now and I'm not quite sure what to do about it...

Telling Stories

2008-02-08T12:03:00.000-05:00

My few attempts at reducing the amount of verbal "space" I take up have so far been pretty unsuccessful. I spent a long time thinking about this last night and have come up with several possible reasons, though as I think back over them I wonder if they are more excuses than reasons. To be completely, totally honest, I talk incessantly to gain attention, so that people will listen to me. I do crave the spotlight (like the only child I am) to the point that I use my words to fill up all the space I'm in so that I am seen and heard to the greatest extent possible.

What I don't know is how to stop myself, how to fill that need. It's not that I am in anyway deprived of attention, I just selfishly crave more than I should. Until I am able to stop taking up so much space, I won't allow the room necessary to truly listen to others.

On Ash Wednesday, I was thinking a lot about selfishness, my selfishness. A very spiritual and insightful woman in my human behavior class had ended that session talking about "walking in love" with others and being selfless. Coming into Lent, and thinking about the sacrifice of the cross and the amazing gift of grace, I came back to a thought that I have had a million times that never seems to stick, a thought about the true power of that sacrifice and that grace. That because God loves each and everyone one of us so much, despite all of our sins and shortcomings, God came down and suffered and sacrificed so we would not have to. The message of the cross and of the gift of grace is freedom - freedom to stop worrying about getting all you need for yourself because God has provided.

I don't think about this enough; I don't own this truth in my heart; I have not made it my reality. I ignore the love of God in my life and that is why it always seems something is missing. I don't spend the time I should on that relationship, so I always feel I am lacking somehow. I fill up all the space around me with myself and while this leaves little or no room for God, it also does not fill the holes.

So perhaps my Lenten focus should be the addition of God into the space in my life instead of the subtraction of myself. Though trying to take myself out will leave more room for God, it does not inherently invite God in. Inviting God in creates and fills the space at the first time. And because God is in each and every person I meet, filling the space with God also inherently leaves room for the people I am currently talking over and through. Perhaps instead of a vow of silence, I will take a vow of "God's noise" instead.

A Vow of Listening

2008-02-06T12:16:00.000-05:00

In the past week, I've been feeling a lot of conflict in my relationships with the people around me, feeling that I'm being challenged or that my friends are trying to push their ideas/views on me. It's now happened enough that I'm guessing it's not them, it's me. Somehow my perception of my interactions is highlighting the conflict within but incorrectly assigns the source. I've always been a competitive person, but it is strange how far this is going these days...

The other thing that's been on my mind a lot lately is how much noise I make, how much "space" I consume with my words. I'm realizing that I am ill-equipped to be an effective social worker, friend, wife even until I can learn to listen. To actually listen - not hear three words and jump into a story about myself that might be vaguely similar.

Along these lines, I've been thinking about what my Lenten practice should be. What I want to do is to take a vow of silence - to not talk for 40 days and nights. To have to listen. However, it's pretty hard to be an effective employee, friend, wife without talking. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to manage this, but I know I need to...

Forgiveness

2007-09-17T08:51:00.001-04:00

I have been pondering my experience at church yesterday and the call I felt strongly to prison work specifically and forgiveness generally. It's the forgiveness piece that is really tripping me. Forgiveness has always been very hard for me to actually accomplish. I have a very good memory and a horrible ability to hang on to hurt and anger for a very long time. I do not forgive easily. I hold grudges for ridiculous amounts of time. I found it very interesting that I would see a calling for myself that was steeped in my weakness. As I considered this further throughout the day, I wondered as I have before about why it is so much easier for me to have a graceful heart towards a stranger who has done things humanity considers to be horrible than to share that same grace with a close friend who has done something relatively small..

This morning as I was walking the dog I was continuing to ponder and pray over this continued revelation, when suddenly I was struck as though punched in the gut with the realization that there is someone in my life who I need to forgive. I have not thought about this person in a long time, and in many ways I have felt that I was over the pain that she had caused me when our long, close friendship crumbled three years ago (my goodness, has it really been three years???). I was shocked by the power of this message and the fear it brought me, so I pushed it aside in my mind. A few hours later as I was settling into work, the thought of forgiving her came to me again, and as I explored that feeling further I nearly burst into tears (and apparently I am reaching that same tearful place as I write this).

I am completely overwhelmed by the thought of truly letting go of all the pain that she has caused me and actually, completely forgiving her. Even more powerful is the urge to ask for her forgiveness in return, to admit my own part in the destruction of our 8 year friendship. Letting go of this anger also means coming to peace with all of the pain in my life over the past several years that I have attributed to the events surrounding that fall out - it has changed my life in more ways than I think I can admit. But I must take ownership of that as well, because I let that anger rule me and I let the hurt control me.

So what does forgiveness mean in this situation? Do I simply forgive her and let it go, for myself by myself? Should I send her a letter, apologizing for my part and wishing her well? How can I find the grace to give her and how can I give it? I'm don't think I want to heal the relationship such that we are friends again (if that would even be possible) but is that hesitance a lack of forgiveness? I really feel like I have reached the place where I can and must let go of this hurt and respond with grace and love, but I'm really afraid of doing so.

Call

2007-09-16T13:37:00.001-04:00

Today at church we were challenged to write about what we feel God's call is in our life right now. I started to write and this is what I came up with:

Call
What can I do?
What do YOU need?

FORGIVENESS

Grace
Prayer
What does that look like?
Inmates
Jail
Incarceration
Safety v. Rehabilitation
How do you feel loved, worthy locked in a cell?
Murders
Rapists
Thieves
Children...

FORGIVENESS

Grace
Prayer
It's my biggest struggle
It's their/our/YOUR greatest need
So I need to love more
judge less
Forgive all
condemn none
Meet each new person with a full heart
And offer them the gift of Grace
Given freely to me
I freely give it away

The wall starts with the chip on my shoulder

2007-09-06T08:39:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was thinking about the service event for the new campus ministry group Ben is organizing that is taking place on Friday. We will be visiting a new family shelter that has opened in Fairfax to serve dinner. Since this site just opened, there are not many families, and so serving dinner will probably not take very long. Ben was concerned that there wouldn't be enough for us to do, but I suggested that perhaps that would leave time for us and the students to spend some time talking with the families. Ben agreed, but also said that he was glad I was coming along because I'm better at that kind of conversation than he is.

That statement has really stuck with me and yesterday it really started to challenge me. How true is that? I am beginning this MSW program because I want to be working in relationship with people in need. But am I really, currently equipped to be effective at relational ministry and service?

To answer honestly, I am not. Yesterday when I came to that conclusion it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I have a GIGANTIC chip on my shoulder. I am an incredibly arrogant person. Ben and I have had several heated discussions in the past week or so that have really highlighted this, though of course it is only in retrospect that I see it. I have a lot of ideas about right and wrong and a lot of ideals about how the world should work. Especially when it comes to providing service to the poor, I want to challenge individuals and especially the church to really move outside of current comfort zones and seek to do the work Jesus calls us to. But somewhere along the way (or maybe I started out this way) I stopped seeing the steps on the path and only focused on the end of the journey. How will I ever really be able to be effective at relational ministry if I can't see the joy in people's (and churches') baby steps along the way? Why do I keep seeing the attempts as bad?

But then maybe I don't need answers to the why, I just need a plan for change. Because this chip on my shoulder is putting up a wall between me and the rest of the body of Christ...

The need for "church"

2007-08-30T08:36:00.000-04:00

Another blog I read sometimes had a link to this post today. My first reaction to reading it was "AMEN!!!" But as I kept reading, the piece I found missing was the necessity of community for the Christian life. He kind of hits on this by saying church is good for those who don't have Christian friends. But then he says that since he does, he doesn't need to go to church. I suppose the implication is that he does spend time in community with his Christian friends, and I certainly hope that's true.

My recent explorations of "church" outside the norm I grew up in (read going to Common Table) have really brought home the concept and importance of community to me. I am only beginning to develop relationships with the other people there, but they are already becoming very important in my life. I am so excited on Sundays to go and worship, discuss, and eat with them. I even got up at 7am to go weeding with this group! Now that says something...

The "church" as it currently exists may indeed feel like "reruns" to many people. But I think that the reconceptualization of church, really focusing on the communal aspects, could be very powerful for this world.

how did we get here?

2007-08-21T08:19:00.000-04:00

Last night I was thinking about all of the people in this world we "throw away." Two things brought me to these thoughts: first, the book I am currently reading (Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown) and second, my grandmother's recent adventure of back surgery and rehab. The two sets of people I am seeing as being tossed aside are children (especially those "in the system") and the elderly.

First, children. Piece of Cake is an autobiography. Cupcake lived quite a fast and hard life in her early years, mostly due to failures of the foster system. As I have been reading this book, I keep thinking that this can't possibly be true; it can't really happen like this. A child cannot be returned, over and over again, to someone she has accused multiple times of beating her - especially when there was physical proof! But it happens. I know it does. And it breaks my heart. How many children today suffer this fate? How many unwanted, unloved, broken children walk around the streets today? 11 year old prostitutes trying to do anything to make some money so they don't have to go back to a home where they are being continually raped and beaten...really makes me want to cry.

The other piece of this that I don't understand is the foster parents. Ben and I are in the process of being certified as foster parents, and really - you don't get much money. I can't understand why someone would bring children into their home for the purpose of beating them. I mean, you still have to feed them (something) and put on a show for the social workers, so why waste your time? And the social workers - I for one would be pretty suspicious of someone with 8 children whose house is spotless. That's just not possible.

All of this scares me a little as I get ready to start my MSW program. If the system is really that screwed up, how I will handle that? Will I become jaded, or just bitter and depressed that I can't do what I feel is right because of all the red tape? And how do you reach kids like this - how do you gain their trust when their lives have been so shattered?

But on to the second piece: My grandmother was admitted last week to a nursing home/rehab facility to recover from back surgery. Now granted, she has got to be just about the toughest 91 year old around, but the way she has been treated is so sad. Because of her age, everyone seems to assume that she is not mentally competent or capable of speaking for herself. Bringing her meals does not seem to be a priority. Having towels in the bathroom is apparently a luxury, not standard. Luckily for Grandma, she is capable and was able to rectify many of these issues herself, but what about the stroke victim in the bed next to her? Who will stand up for her?

Why have we thrown away our parents, our grandparents? Once they become a little frail and senile, we (as a society) ship them off to a nursing home somewhere. And then, so often (too often) the care is so substandard. With all the money and wealth in this country, when we send our families away to be cared for by someone else, shouldn't they at least get decent care?

So my question is, what is our priority, as a society, since it is clearly not each other, clearly not the "least" among us? Obvious answers would be money, power, riches, wealth, fame. When did the things we possess become more important than people? Why don't we care to take care of those who cared for us when we were vulnerable? And why don't we care to take care of those with no one to look out for them?

Today I pray that God strengthen my heart and the hearts of those working with children in need and the elderly. Lord, help them to raise awareness and open eyes and help us all to share your amazing grace and love. Amen.

Compare & Contrast

2007-08-20T09:51:00.000-04:00

This weekend I went back to our Lutheran church for the first time since June. I have been hesitant to go for awhile, mostly because I find myself getting so frustrated every time I am there. But, for Ben to be able to go to seminary, we need to maintain our membership there. Plus, they were doing Holden Evening prayer, and I can never pass that up :)

So I met Ben there and was enveloped by the beautiful music and thoughtful lyrics. Things seemed great. As the service rolled on, I found myself making comparisons to CT. First, there was only one face I recognized in the crowd of about 30. Now, granted, this was the first time we had gone to that particular service, but this church is not huge. (Brings up some thoughts about the isolated/independent communities within a single church community...but maybe that's for another time.) The sermon did not resonate with me as much as Pastor Bailey's usually do. I kept feeling like he was trying to something but wasn't really saying anything. He would talk about the fact that there are issue currently facing the Church that will cause division (homosexuality, immigration, etc) but wouldn't (or at least didn't) take a stand on any of them...as Ben said, maybe he's leading up to that for another time.

**Interestingly, on Saturday night, I was very frustrated with the lack of an opinion on this big issues, but today as I write this I am feeling more open to the approach of naming the issues so people will begin to think about them.**

Anyway, two other things happened that hit the "I'm so tired of traditional 'church' " nerve for me:

Sharing of the peace: Sharing the peace at AP felt very impersonal. Walk around, shake hands with those around you, then sit back down quickly for the service to keep going. Yes, there is something of Christ being shared just in being that room together at that time and making a point to say those words, but it didn't feel like community. CT feels like it did at the Chapel at OSU - you get up, walk around, hug people; it's so relational and beautiful. It's genuine. So the question is, how can a medium-large sized church, with 3 services have that kind of intimacy? Is it possible at that size? How would that happen? What would it look like? In particular, how can the intimacy cross services? If I usually go to the 11am on Sunday, how can I feel just as welcomed and as though I belong when I do venture into the 6pm Saturday service?
Church buildings: At the end of the AP service, Pastor made an announcement about a large fundraising campaign that will begin in September. There is a mission church in Manassas that has been meeting in a fire station for several years. They are currently trying to buy a building that a Baptist church is vacating that costs $1.5 million. All of the other Lutheran churches in the area are being asked to help raise somewhere around $400,000 by the end of the year so they can purchase the building. I find this so frustrating! What's wrong with meeting in a fire house? Why do you need to spend so much money on a building to use a couple times a week? Couldn't that building be used for homeless people to have a place to live? At CT on Sunday, the movie we watched brought up a lot of issues about the wealth of the church. This point was driven home by numerous shots of gigantic cathedrals. What a waste of space!!! And AP is currently in the process of developing plans to remodel their building, which will be another several hundred thousand dollars. So much money on pretty, lightly used space when people are starving all over the world...what does this say about the Church's priorities? And therefore, what does this say to the rest of the world about God's priorities?

Maybe it's all an issue of priorities. The sincerity issue and the building issue. What are God's priorities? What are the Church's priorities? I think the second question is better answered by action than by mission, vision or statement. What does a large church building that is locked at all times (except during services) where people may or may not genuinely greet someone they don't know or barely know say about Jesus in the world? What kind of message does that send? What message does it send to spend millions of dollars on these buildings and then turn away someone who needs money for food, or even to give them just a buck or 2? If the buildings must exist, why isn't every church a shelter, a soup kitchen, a place of refuge for those who need it most? Why would the doors to a church ever be locked?

The contrast between these two services was remarkable to me. What I am praying for now is the patience to stop being so judgmental of AP and the wisdom and strength to see how and where to work for change in a constructive manner.in a constructive manner.

Mark down this day

2007-08-16T10:45:00.000-04:00

I am feeling really happy today. Maybe the prayer and thought on joy and acceptance is starting to make a small difference. I feel more agreeable. I feel lighter. Not sure I've felt quite this way in a long time. Light is really the only way I can describe it. My heart feels lighter, more open. I don't feel so angry. I feel like irritations can slide off my back...now let's just see if it lasts...

But in case it doesn't, I want to mark down this day. So when my anger and frustration rear their ugly heads again, I can come back here and find a piece of the peace I've been searching for and hopefully start walking that path of prayer, grace and love again.

Create in me a clean heart, O God
And renew a right spirit within me
Create in me a clean heart, O God
And renew a right spirit within me
Cast me not a way from your presence, O Lord
And take not your Holy Spirit from me
Restore unto me the JOY of Your salvation
And renew a right spirit within me

Acceptance

2007-08-14T21:09:00.000-04:00

I've been really down lately. Not that long ago I wrote this great, uplifting (at least to me) post about joy. Being in that moment lasted about a day and a half. I've been feeling very stressed lately and have not been able to hold on to that feeling. Tonight as I was walking Midnight I was really praying and soul searching to find a peace in the midst of this crazy.

What came to me was (is) acceptance. I accept very little in my life. I challenge everything, listen badly and change slowly. I set high expectations for myself, others and the world around me and then am get frustrated when things fall short. All this means is that I find the joy infrequently and am rarely truly, gracefully happy.

Acceptance is a mystery. In some ways, grace can be equated with acceptance. For God so loved the whole world that God gave God's only Son..... --> God accepted the world, people, all the imperfections and in a dramatic and mystifying act was able to set it all right. So I am given grace because of God's love and acceptance. When I accept that grace I am freed to share that grace (acceptance) with others. So why can't I?

A few of my coworkers took a seminar on "Communicating in Teams" a few weeks ago. In this workshop, they took one of the standard "personality" tests that helps you determine how you interact with the world. They describe their respective personalities as the ways in which they act and react in order to gain control over their worlds. I haven't taken the test, but I can assume that I probably fall into the category of people who exert power in order to gain control. But this doesn't really work out so well...

I have also been struggling lately with the ambiguous question of "who am I?" My current search is to determine my personality. I seem to want to act in one way, but actually act in the opposite way. Much of this seems to be the result of trying to change my behavior to correct things I am unhappy with (such as my current struggles with really listening). But as I walked and prayed tonight, it was clear that I do not accept myself. This is not the first time I have struggled with this reality, and odds are it won't be the last. But am I really someone who vacillates between hyperactivity, agitation and anger? These have certainly been my predominant emotions for the past several years.

The truth is I am a bitter idealist, an angry daydreamer and a self-absorbed humanitarian. I am a complete contradiction. But then, most of the world probably is. But, if I could just accept myself that way, allow God's love and grace to wash over me, then perhaps I could really share that gift with others. And if I could really share it, then perhaps I would not feel so angry/agitated etc...

It's also interesting how this kind of acceptance could relate to my previous post today. If I accept myself as I am, good and bad, and I really learn to accept (and love) others just as they are, how would that affect my egotism. It seems that it might dissipate a great deal of it. If I am who I am, as God made and loves me, I am accepting good and bad, which theoretically could allow me to have a more balanced look at myself. The need for egotistical self-judgments might become irrelevant. And indeed, in accepting the world around me and all those I encounter for who they are, as they are and leave my expectations behind, there would be no comparison.

So now the question becomes, how do I accept this acceptance? Come Holy Spirit...

Self-reflection?

2007-08-13T18:29:00.001-04:00

The past couple days I've been feeling really great and really awful. And each of these on so many levels. I'm tired and overworked and frustrated. I'm feeling affirmed and appreciated and valued at work. I sometimes feel like I am still isolated out here and other times I feel like I've got great friends. But all in all, the past couple weeks have been a roller coaster and I am exhausted.

I wrote on Sunday about how I was struck that the discussion at CT did not go as "inward" as I would have expected. But I have also been realizing lately that perhaps I have not been digging deeply enough into my own soul. Over the last week, I have been very struck by how egotistical and self-absorbed I am these days. The current situation at work seems only to feed it. I find myself feeling more and more prideful about my abilities and contributions, which often leads me down the path of superiority. How do I keep doing a good job at work (because I feel that's important) without getting such a big head about it?

I've also noticed lately that I have apparently forgotten how to listen. I have adapted the technique of showing people I understand what they feel by talking about me. That doesn't really work so well. I share when I should be asking, and I jump in when I should wait.

Interestingly, this past Sunday has also showed me what I am not willing to talk about yet - some of my more "controversial" beliefs and current musings about God and religion. Why couldn't I raise the question about Eucharist while sitting there that day? Well, because I was afraid of being shot down. Not shot down because people wouldn't listen or anything like that. No, shot down as in challenged to have a real debate about that issue. I'm afraid of that debate. I've had conversation about Baptism a few times, but many of those have either been with people who did not really debate with me or in situations where I did not allow much room for debate.

So while I definitely see that I need to continue my own introspection along these lines and continue to examine my heart and prayer for the strength to be humble, I have come to another realization. I need community. I need people to call me out and challenge me with love and share different points of view to make me think even harder about what I'm feeling and believing. And to do that, to be part of a community, I do really need to learn how to listen better. I need to stop worrying about myself so much and how I am perceived. I need to literally put others first and not just abstractly. And I need to do that for community and I need community to help me do that.

Ritual

2007-08-12T15:04:00.000-04:00

We watched a movie today about "Cargo Cults." In the discussion that followed, I was intrigued at where it did not go. I was also surprised by my own hesitation at speaking up (which has not been a problem for me before). For myself, I will chalk it up to my resolve to listen more. But the group as a whole, I was surprised at that we did not really move the discussion inward.

As I sat there and listened, I kept thinking that religious rituals are often the result of a little bit of knowledge added to human desire and seasoned with "reason" to explain how the ritual gets you what you want based on your knowledge of "God." And then I began to think more about what the meant for Christians. What rituals do Christians practice that an outside group of people would find as odd and as silly as building a crooked runway in the middle of the mountains and then sitting and waiting for a plane to land?

What I came up with were 2 things: Baptism and Eucharist. Now the first is not all that surprising to me, as I have of late become very frustrated with the "law of baptism" and that is a large part of why I do not really want to go with Ben to our Lutheran church. But Eucharist? That one threw me just a bit. Yes, I have struggled and do struggle with the "sanitization" of Eucharist, but I was just sharing last night with a new friend how essential it is for me to share in it during worship. But today, all my misgivings came flying back. I looked again at how Christians have taken Jesus sharing the Passover meal, a meal of great significance for the Jewish people in regards to God's salvation, and his command to do so in remembrance of him, and developed a ritual of filing down a line to get a piece of bread (if you are lucky, so often churches use the wafers, or Jes-its) and a small cup of wine, and then file back to your seat. Where is the sharing of community in that? Where is the breaking of bread, really breaking bread, in that?

I was so overcome I was barely able to go up today. I was sitting there feeling frustrated with hollow ritual and longing for the spiritual nourishment I do receive. After I got back to my seat, I started writing, furiously, about the Eucharist, and why I do, what it means to me. I have been continuing to mull over those thoughts ever since.

Where I am, RIGHT NOW, is that sacraments are sacred not because God is there but because we are there. Now, that might sound pretty crazy and maybe even awful, but the way I see it is that God is everywhere. God is everything. It is no surprise that God meets us in baptism or Eucharist, or Bible study or prayer. But that is where we meet God. Sacraments are sacred because we have chosen to meet God there, and then over time, perhaps we (the Church) have come to decide that God only meets us there.

I cannot and do not deny the presence of God in baptism. But I also cannot limit God to them. I do find nourishment from God in the Eucharist, but perhaps that is because I only look for it there. What if I looked for that same nourishment when doing yoga or walking my dog? Would I find it? Perhaps I'll try....
***Amendment - In just a few days, I realized one essential element my "suggestions" above are missing --> COMMUNITY

The Select Fit (Damah)

2007-08-05T14:35:00.001-04:00

Joy

2007-08-01T08:51:00.000-04:00

I was listening yesterday to a podcast from Grace Matters about Life v. Lifestyle. There was so much packed into the 30 minute show that I listened to it again this morning on my way to work. Yesterday, it was the distinction between life and lifestyle that caught me, that this is exactly what I am struggling with. I can't just change how I live and expect that to connect me to God - I need to connect to God FIRST and then all the rest will come - the same message as The Simple Life.

But this morning I heard something else, something fuller than just another intellectual/theological question. This morning I heard JOY. Our lives are in some dire straights, as illustrated by this poem that was shared on the podcast. We are searching for fulfillment and meaning in so many places and falling short. We are doing, wanting, having and it's all padding to beef up lives that are hollow. I have struggled with this for quite some time, and most times I think back to my first summer at camp and how happy and peaceful I was. I have believed that what has changed is that I do not spend the time with God that I did that summer, and that is likely true. However now I see that I am really missing is the response to God's love and grace, which I so wholeheartedly belief in. I am missing the joy.

As a generation, we are a brooding group of people. My generation is frustrated by the "sins of our parents" and the problems of our planet. I can get very bogged down in all of that, to the point where the sight of pavement makes me yell in anger. I wish to help the world, to change the world, to do something that helps just one person, but when opportunities arise I let my own selfish, laziness take over. Then more brooding. What an awful way to live!

But I have to step back from the sorrow at the situation the world is in and first respond to the amazing gift I have been given by God through Jesus. What I see this morning is that my life was different summer/fall 2002 because I was joyful. I was so happy to be at camp and to be with such amazing people, it didn't feel like work. And I was able to carry that joy through a couple months past camp. But then I got bogged down by roommate issues and crushes, and the problems of life combined with lifestyle pulled me away from the joy. And so I have been fighting and struggling and praying to get back to that place, but I haven't really known what I am looking for.

Today I see that it is the joy that sustains us, so that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us - the strength comes from the joy. The burden is light because of joy. Joy brings the drive to get off your ass and go be in community and relationship with others. This mindset of joy gives me a little more insight into the allure of many Christian songs that I might call too "praisey". Maybe I don't praise enough. Maybe I don't say thanks and bask in the joy of God enough.

Today I pray that I continue to respond to God's gift of love and grace with joy. That I carry the joy of Christ with me everywhere and I let that bring me peace and perseverance.

Praise God from whom all blessing flow
Praise God all creatures here below
Praise God above ye heavenly hosts
Praise Creater, Son and Holy Ghost.

AMEN!

What is a simple life?

2007-07-24T10:13:00.000-04:00

I live in a city that never stops working and country that is obsessed with spending money. Everything always has to be newer and better. I feel like this keeps moving me further and further from God and the path I wish to be walking. Despite all my desires to get out and do some good in the world, I can't even make time to volunteer for 3 hours a week because I can't get away from work. I've grown tired of saying that this is temporary, that once I finish (well, start and finish) my masters in social work, then I will be able to get out there and walk the path of Jesus.
All of this has led to feeling (for a very long time) that I need to give it all up, run away to Africa and become a missionary. However, since that is clearly not a viable reality, how do I reduce the amount of "world" in my life and increase the amount of God?
I hear a lot these days about living a simpler life, and on the surface, that sounds great to me! Tell me more!! Sign me up now!! But what does that mean? Off the top of my head, it's meant getting rid of all my stuff, moving to a commune or other ways of limiting my interaction with all the things that create space and walls between me and God. So, as any avid reader would, I search for "Christian simple life" on Amazon. The best hit I came was a book called "The Simple Life" and I was actually able to find it as an e-book! (See link at right) So I thought, I have the tools, so let's get down to reading this and get on with my simple life.
So now I've read about a quarter of this book, and it is quite powerful. Most interesting in how the author takes all of my ideas about how to simplify and says yes and no to them all at once. It's really great because it puts in all in perspective, the right perspective - Seek first the kingdom of God, and all else will come to you. I can see the traps for myself though already - great! I don't have to stop buying clothes, shoes, books, etc as long as they aren't more important to me than God! I'm falling into a trap already.
It feels like the right answer, but at the same time it feels like more questions. I doubt I'll fewer questions by the time I finish the book. But that's the way of God, so simple we're too human to get it. Thank God for grace.